Posted By Marshall Heyman

Trust me, you have never heard anyone laugh quite like Oksana Baiul. Yes, the photo opportunity-loving, Ukrainian-born figure skater who won the Olympic gold medal in 1994 at Lillehammer. (I love saying “Lillehammer,” though I so rarely get the chance.) Her laugh is an unexpected event. It starts as a giggle, with maybe a snort or two. Then it turns into a cackle, and quickly transforms into a deep and heavy wheeze, as if she’s having an allergic reaction, or, well, an orgasm. Then comes blubbering and a loud, echoing howl, and we’re back to the wheeze. And, suddenly, as if it were all an act, she can flick it off like a switch. I asked if she would record one for my ringtone. She directed me to her website.

I know what you’re all thinking: Who knew Marshall was that funny?

Oksana and I had a chance to chat after a performance of the musical Cold as Ice, which, as I understand from my spies in the area, has become le dire du ville Bellport. It plays at the local Gateway Playhouse through Saturday June 17, so if you read this column on Sunday, you have already missed the opportunity to see an extraordinarily profound show about the ups and downs of being a professional ice-skater. As an actor sings about, say, his complicated relationship with triple lutzes and fame, and whines about not having a boyfriend, a professional skater cuts the ice trailing behind him. There’s so much happening onstage at once, you don’t even know where to look!

Composer/lyricist Frank D’Agostino (who holds a bachelor of science in marketing with a minor in theater from Siena College) rhymes “Michelle Kwan” with “swan.” Watch your back, Sondheim; yes, the hope is to bring the show to Broadway.

“That’s the dream,” Oksana says, still wearing her blue-sequined skating dress designed by her pal, the Olympic skater Johnny Weir. “And everyone has a dream.”

There is an actual ice-skating rink on the stage for Cold as Ice, and as Oksana and I spoke–she curses like a sailor, mind you–some of her fellow actors, who are barely amateur skaters, laced up their blades and took a spin. Master class with Oksana!

“Couple more weeks and we are no longer needed in the show!” Oksana screams at her co-star Brian Gligor, a singer who is practicing his bunny hop. In Cold as Ice, he plays a very alpha-male, Canadian figure-skater and belts out “We Get Lots of Snow in Canada,” a song meant to explain his passion for skating.

Brian’s agility on the ice, Oskana points out, is as about as good as her singing. “That’s what we do in Bellport: They’re teaching me how to sing. They tell me I have a very good voice, I just have to learn how to use it,” says Oksana. “And we eat pizza. I mean, there is not a lot of glamorous places to go to and the Hamptons is like an hour away.”

What else has Oksana been doing in Bellport? “Sleeping and sleeping and sleeping and sleeping and sleeping and sleeping and sleeping.”

She gives each “sleeping” a different inflection. She is, after all, a natural-born star. “I can’t go anywhere because it’s like, ‘Is that the skater?’ Do I like the attention on the ice? Yes. But off the ice, I don’t like it.” Neither do I, honey.

In January, Oksana got a phone call from her manager, Tara Modlin, who also did the skating choreography for Cold as Ice, to be involved in the production. “They told me about the play and I asked them, ‘What the fuck is it?’ I couldn’t understand how they’re going to make singers and skaters onstage at the same time.” It seems she figured it out.

Oskana’s Ukrainian accent is like a dream. Especially when she curses. “Blow me, fuck me: those were the first words that I learned when I came to this country,” Oksana tells me. “I grew up with gay guys. My best friend is gay. I feel like they can really understand me. And those nice guys taught it to me. I would say, ‘bought her a Chopard watch for New Year’s Eve–”I like expensive things,” she says–hates the bad habit.

Oksana has a few other naughty habits, one being that she’s not much of a reader. “I don’t think I’ve even read one book in my life,” she says. But she enjoys a good skating movie from time to time. “I love The Cutting Edge,” she tells me. “But I think Blades of Glory is really beating that up.”

Apropos of nothing, Oksana asks me my sign. A Leo, I tell her.

She’s a Scorpio. “Fuck you!” she says, and I think she’s joking. “Our two signs is really bad because they’re too powerful. It’s a lot of fights. You will be pushing me till I die and I will be pushing you till you die. It will be a huge power struggle. I don’t know over what, but it will be.”

And suddenly the power struggle begins and Oksana decides to get personal. “How come you come by yourself to see Cold as Ice? You couldn’t find any other idiot?” I tell her, indeed, I couldn’t find another idiot. They were all home in Manhattan. Her response: “You’re always welcome back!”

This entry was posted on Monday, June 11th, 2007 at 11:30 and is filed under celebs, gossip, Just for Fun .